The Ultimate Anti-Global Warming Argument

Now that the Enviro-Nazis have come out and clearly stated that anyone who denies global warming will be tried for "crimes against humanity", I want to clearly state for the future record that I'm not a "global warming denier." I love trees. And your little dog too. The globe will warm. The heavens will rend. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Against all physical laws, gigantic ice-wielding hurricanes will devour Manhatten. In short, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Now that I have saved myself from future prosecution, I still want to ask "So what? What are we supposed to do about it?" I would like to present for your intellectual pleasure, the ultimate anti-global warming argument. The advantage to this argument is that all it requires is a pen, a cocktail napkin and a Earth First knot-hole surfer to act as foil. What is truly great about the argument is that your tree-hugging friend will agree with everything you say right up until you reach the conclusion, at which point he will begin to do the flopping flounder - mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out as he attempts to refute it. Trust me, it's more fun than a barrel full of crystal rubbers or pyramid wearers!

STEP 1
Grab your pen and a cocktail napkin and draw a simple graph: The X axis represents the temperature rise, and the Y axis represents time.

STEP 2
Ask the granola-muncher what the temperature will be in 100 years if nothing is done (GMs like to think in terms of centures, most likely because they know they won't be around to take the heat if their predictions turn out wrong). It doesn't matter what temperature they give (it only changes the scale). Drop a line to the Y axis at the 100 year point. Then draw a dotted line from the temperature they have given. Finally, draw the diagonal from the origin to the point where the temperature line meets the 100 year line. Since GMs are usually not very good at math, you may have to explain to them that you have simplified the temperature rise curve: it may not be exactly a straight line increase, but it's close enough for our purposes.



Step 3

Ask your pet GM if he believes that ALL global warming is attributable to man or whether there is a natural component to it. After all, the Earth has had ice ages, and therefore must have had whatever is the opposite of an ice age. Even hard core global warming whackos will admit that yes, there is a natural component. Global warming climatologists, if they agree on anything, agree that this natural component accounts for roughly 50% of the observed effect. So draw a diagonal roughly half way between the Y axis and the original diagonal that you drew:

Label the bottom triangle "E" representing the Earth's contribution to global warming, and the top triangle "M" to represent man's contribution.

Step 4

Tell the GM "Fine. We'll reduce the rise in man-made global warming gases by 10% over the next 100 years." Explain to him that economists have estimated that implementing such a decrease would cost the world economy some $5 trillion dollars over that period. The GM will probably go off on a tirade ("PEOPLE BEFORE PROFITS! IF IT SAVES JUST ONE HUMAN LIFE! BLOATED PLUTOCRATS. CAPITALIST PIG-DOGS! *choke*, *gasp*, *hack*, *furball*) but that's OK because we are about to spring the trap. Draw another diagonal from the origin to the 100 year line to represent the 10% reduction in the rise of global warming gases:

Step 5
Now the fun begins. Extend the Y axis (the time line). Extend the dotted line representing the initial temperature that the GM gave you. Then extend the diagonal representing the 10% reduction until it hits the temperature line. Then drop a perpendicular down to the timeline:


Bingo!
Depending on the scale of your graph, you have just demonstrated that for a cost of $5 trillion we have managed to postpone the arrival of the dreaded temperature by... 10 years. The GM will do the flopping flounder ("wuah wuah wuah"). Just for fun, you can propose that we kill off all humans to save the planet. Then just extend the "E" line until it hits the temperature line and drop another perpendicular. We won't reach the dreaded temperature for two hundred years. But of course there won't be anyone around to record the temperature at that point.

Enjoy, and good hunting!