Stoopid People

Those who know me, and their aren't many, know that I have a real problem with stoopid people. And you know who they are. They're the one's who wear their baseball caps on sideways and their pants down around their thighs.

Check in a mirror.

If you are wearing a baseball cap and it is on sideways, this blog is not for you.

Now this here is a true story...

A coupla weeks ago, I was in my once favorite (though no longer) watering hole late one week-end and a young man walks in to the watering hole with his best girl by his side.

The young man was wearing an authentic San Francisco Giants (this blog takes place in the Bay Area for reasons which will become apparent to you later tho incomprehensible to me now)...

Where were we? Oh yeah.

The young man was wearing an authentic, camouflage-colored San Francisco Giants baseball cap on sideways.

He had on a camouflage-colored shirt on underneath his authentic, camouflage-colored San Francisco Giants baseball jacket.

He had a pair of camouflage pants down around his thighs showing off a pair of camouflage-colored boxers.

I couldn't tell whether he was wearing camouflage-colored socks because of his pants being so low, but I could tell that he had on a pair of camouflage colored shoes.

So he comes in and sits down.

His girlfriend sits down next to him.

And he starts looking around the bar, basking in the glow of all the envious looks he is getting from the other bar patrons.

Now something you gotta understand about stoopid people: you know that look you get on your face when you are just about to burst out laughing but you stop yourself because you know that to laugh out loud would be to commit a social faux pas? Well stoopid people think that look is the look of envy, of jealousy.

So the young man is basking in the glory of all the envious looks he is getting. His girlfriend is basking in the reflected glow of all the envious looks her boyfriend is getting.

Now just about this time, another young man and his girlfriend walk in to the bar.

The second young man is wearing an authentic, camouflage-colored San Francisco Giants baseball cap on sideways.

He has on a camouflage-colored shirt on underneath his authentic, camouflage-colored San Francisco Giants baseball jacket.

He has a pair of camouflage pants down around his thighs showing off a pair of camouflage-colored boxers.

I can't tell whether he is wearing camouflage-colored socks because of his pants being so low, but I can see that he has on a pair of camouflage colored shoes.

And he sits down at the bar.

And his girlfriend sits down next to him.

And he starts to bask in the glow of what had become some seriously envious looks from the other bar patrons.

And his girlfriend starts to bask in the reflected glow of all that envy directed at her boyfriend.

Then he sees the first young man.

Then he looks around at all the other bar patrons.

Then he looks back at the first young man.

Then he looks back at the other bar patrons who, by this time, are radiating some real rolling on the floor, clutching their sides looks of envy.

Then his girlfriend sees the first young man.

And the first girlfriend sees the second young man.

And they both start getting envious looks on their faces 'cause they both simultaneously come to the realization that all you gotta do to be the snazziest dresser in the neighborhood is to have about five-hunnert dollars and a double digit IQ...

But the story doesn't end there.

I went outside to be politically incorrect which is what you gotta do if you live in California and want to exercise yer God-given right to fill yer lungs with the smoke of burning sot-weed (look it up...) and what do I see but a young woman walking out of the mall next door with the price tag dangling off a pair of brand new shoes. Now bein' the nice guy that I am, I was gonna go over and discreetly alert the young lady to the social faux pas she was committing. But being the socially inept guy that I am, I didn't. And good thing too.

'Cause as I walk back into the watering hole, I begin to notice that all sorts of people (well, OK, only one type of people, but there were lots of them) had price tags sticking out o' their brand new clothing.

And a look of envy began to come over my face as I came to the realization that these people had deliberately, and with malice aforethought, left those price tags on their clothes. 'Cause there's not much point in payin' a hunnert dollars for an authentic, camouflage-colored San Francisco Giants baseball cap if other people don't know just how authentically expensive it is.

And not much point in payin' two-hunnert dollars for a pair o' jeans if people don't realize you got that much money to spend.

And no point in dropping two-hunnert-and-fitty dollars on a pair of sneakers and then literally walking all over it if it ain't gonna make people jealous.

I must admit, I like this new system 'cause it allows me to calculate, at a glance, down to the penny, just how stoopid people can be.

And just for more proof in case you needed it: Stoopid People Laws.